'I won't get a fair trial because I'm a tosser', court hears

A defendant who claims to be a 'tosser' does not want his case to be heard because he believes the jury are prejudiced towards tossers. The man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, but who has been nicknamed Mr Tosser by the clerk, thinks that his case should be heard by a single judge - preferably a tosser like himself.

In an irate outburst, Mr Tosser shouted across the court that he had been aware of his "growing propensity to tosserdom" for years and that it had become fully-fledged ever since he started watching Top Gear last month. It was following the programme that Tosser stole an Audi Quattro and sat for fifty minutes outside his ex-wife's house playing 'The Sign' by Ace of Base ten times over at a loud volume with the windows down. When District Judge Llew Williams asked why he did this, Tosser replied "because I could".

Williams eventually agreed to Tosser's request, saying that there would be "no difficulty" in finding a tosser judge. The case was adjourned until Monday.